I'm Too Old For...

Creaky joints, no energy, exercise is a chore, and feeding myself is a pain in the neck.  Basically, my life makes me feel like an old lady.  Or, you know, this guy.

There are days when I complain of my old lady issues.  I hear myself saying things like: I can feel that storm a-coming. As if I can sense it in my bones or like my rheumatism is kicking in. And I haven't even hit forty yet. 

Pathetic, right?

The truth is my life is stretched between two worlds. In the pays-the-mortgage world, I chase after kindergartners every day and remind them not to leave the bathroom door open because no one wants to see their naked bodies. (I have actually used that line so many times that I've lost count.) In my writerly world, I have sole control of the remote, laptop, and iPad for research purposes. Sometimes I'm too darn worn out to care about anything else. There are many things that at one point in my life I may have considered doing, but these days I'm accepting that it just ain't happening. Probably ever.

10 Things I Will Never Do:

1. Skydiving. Really? You get it wrong once and...
2. Climbing Mt. Everest or basically anything tall and/or cold. Having no access to my jammies, blankies,  and my Vicks Vapo Rub anytime after 5 p.m. is a deal breaker.
3. Learn a foreign language. Yeah, been there, done that. No quiero. 
4. Watch Dumb and Dumber, Dumb and Dumberer, or Dumb and Dumber To. I can actually hear myself getting stupider.
5. Redecorate. Who has the energy? Aren't doilies and pastel pink ruffled throw pillows always in style?
6. Go on a reality TV show. If the options are being a bachelorette, making pretentious cupcakes, or being roommates with someone as emotionally developed as a five-year-old, I'll pass.
7. Wear skinny jeans and/or leggings as pants. Just NO. (Leather/pleather pants are also verboten.)
8. Ride a scooter/moped. Really? They sound like a weedwacker. Is that supposed to make it more or less butch?
9. Stay up/out all night. It turns out sleep is basically more important than anything else.
10. Participate in any female wrestling opportunities. Mud or no, fully clothed or not, it's just not me. And ew.

It's a relief to admit that there are some things I'm not game for anymore, even though there are plenty of things I love doing. For Instance, I'm a huge fan of playgrounds, rollerskates, and spending my days with people who appreciate potty humor. And if you ever need someone to help you consume an entire package of bacon, I'm your girl.

Anyone else have a Never Gonna Happen Bucket List? I'd love to hear about it. Leave me a comment!